Ever argue with a 3 year-old? "Why?" they ask. "Why? Why? Why?" As parents you may have gotten to the point where you responded, "Because I said so." or "Because I'm your mother." As the tallest of my siblings, I responded with, “Because I’m bigger than you.” Our response was a means to shut down the ever inquisitiveness of a young mind and to interrupt the challenge being issued by someone who truly did not understand but had also figured out how to get you frustrated... even at 3 years of age. Children are lovely, aren’t they? As adults we may have also felt the pang of being asked to justify our actions; rightly or wrongly, our actions were being challenged. In our response to the “Why” challenge, we may have felt defensive, put off, angered, shocked, irritated or a variety of other negative emotions. In these emotions, we may have reacted, or over-reacted, to the “Why” question and uttered one of three possible forms of responses:
1) “Why not.”
2) “Because.”
3) “Well you see, …. (Insert long and detailed, likely over intellectualized, potentially rambling and incoherent monologue of justification, minimization, rationalization, and perhaps distracting information, etc.”
What we became is defensive. The question felt like a challenge to our position, our role, our beliefs, our actions and ultimately our sense of self. This question forced us to identify the logic behind our actions where possibly no logic existed and unconsciously we may have already realized this. In confronting the lack of logic to our actions, we had to find a means to support our position whether through shutting down the communication from someone we felt we could over power or identifying our position to someone with greater power than us. Either way, we were likely left feeling like we had lost our footing for a moment and the “Why” challenge may have lingered with us for a period of time. We may have resented the why question and the person who issued it to us. If we chose to support a person in recovering from Compulsive Hoarding and aid in the process of de-cluttering their home, we need to refrain from asking why they hoard. The answer is “Because.” In our experience, we encourage questions that allow for more concrete responses. We ask “How… What… When… Where…Who.” These questions are more likely to gain facts and information while eliciting specific responses that can be acted upon and worked through.
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